So as you may have heard, someone's hotel room got robbed at gunpoint in Las Vegas, and a bunch of sports memorabelia was taken.  This simple act of violence has led to our airwaves being polluted by that dreadfully infamous non-celebrity from the early 90's.  You all remember this fellow.  There was the trial that consumed every waking moment of the news in 1994.  Countless talk show appearances, all proclaiming that he wasn't being treated fairly by all the press.  You saw him day after day for several months across your television screen, and you wanted to reach in the screen and strangle him yourself.  Well now he's back.

I am, of course, talking about Fred Goldman.  The whiny white haired faggot with the moustache that was in style somewhere around 1925.  Yes, Fred is back to cry and bitch some more that nobody ever paid attention to his worthless cumstain of a son when 'Da Juice' allegedly went all slice and dice on his ass.  Or more correctly, his neck.

Fred Goldman has always gotten on my nerves.  In the months leading up to, as well as during and after the trial, Fred made sure to get his clueless looking face on every television show he could.  He was always ready to cry on cue, and would even throw in an angry tirade with the tears now and then in a vein attempt to look human.  Was Fred upset that someone had killed his son during his prime?  Well, yes, but that isn't what he was crying about.  Fred was more upset that nobody was paying attention to his son when they were painting OJ as a vicious murder.  It was all about Nicole, and that made Fred angry. 

As time passed, people began to speak of OJ and his alleged crimes less.  This meant that Fred Goldman wasn't a daily fixture on the television screens of America anymore.  Deep down this angered Fred, who spent every waking moment scanning newspapers and television reports just hoping to see a mention of OJ.  Whenever OJ's name came up, Fred was sure to get out his trusty little black book and call Larry King, Katie Couric, Geraldo and anyone else who would listen to his incessant whining just begging for another moment in the limelight.  And they would usually take him up on his offer to provide his unique insights into the psyche of OJ Simpson.  After all, a blubbering 55 year old man on the news definately equals ratings.

Fast forward to almost present day, and word comes out that OJ wants to release a book.  In this book, 'Da Juice' would outline what he thinks might have happened, and he does it in the first person style from 'the killer's perspective'.  Of course upon hearing this, good ole Fred gets out that trusty black book and starts telling everyone how dispicable it is that OJ would release a book about the murders.  Almost mocking everyone by describing in first person the crimes he has vehemently denied all of these years.  Fred's piss and moan fest succeeds and the publisher drops the idea to release the book.  But Fred isn't satisfied there.  He whines to his civil court judge that the book rights should revert back to him instead of OJ, as Simpson still owes him a shitload of cash from that bogus civil court judgement.  The judge agrees and the book is Fred's.

This is where it gets retarded.  Goldman, instead of blocking this book and it's hate filled scriptures, decides to have it published and release it so he can rake in the cash it produces.  Fred Goldman, the man that went on television screaming and crying that the media exploited the memory of his son by giving so much air time to OJ, Denise Brown, Marcia Clark, Johnny Cochrane and Kato Kaelin, instead of HIM......  This is the guy that is now gonna cash in the most all on the back of his dead son.

Well, congratulations Fred.  Who would have known way back when you realized how much of a faggot your little boy was turning out to be, that he would eventually make you a millionaire?  Oh, don't look at me like that.  You know damn well that you saw what your son had become when he grew up, and you were ashamed.  You couldn't go back to your good ol' boy friends on the bowling team and tell them how the 'fruit' of your loins was working as a busboy in a shitty restaurant, whoring himself out to anyone that looked like they may have had connections in the movie business.  Ron was an embarassment to your family.  His death is probably the best thing that ever happened to you. 

Fred Goldman is the poster child for anti-America.  He has spent the last dozen or more years chastizing the justice system America is built around just because he didn't like the outcome of one trial.  He refused to accept that a jury of his peers found OJ innocent of the horrible atrocities he was accused of, and instead chose to circumvent the proper legal system and run crying to civil court where he could manipulate it into dishing out justice that a real court had already proven was unwarranted.  And now he is being rewarded for his efforts. 

Meanwhile, this so called 'murderer' is the only one out there working hard, day after day, to find the real killers.  (or at least he will once he gets out of jail for kicking some sport collector geek's ass.)  If OJ is successful in his quest, and only if he is successful, true justice will be finally served for these tragic events.  Will you thank him, Fred?  Or will you be too busy rolling around in that pile of filthy money?

You disgust me, you worthless piece of shit.

There's nothing wrong with gaining a little inspiration from the success of others.  As a matter of fact, there isn't one task in the history of man that didn't have to be undertaken first by one brave soul.  Walking upright, speaking, swimming, taking flight, masturbation.... Each and every one of these things were a foreign concept to the vast majority of humanity until one brave soul stepped up to the plate and took matters into their own hands...... Er, bad choice of words there....

Yes for centuries upon centuries, men have watched the brave, the intelligent, or even the insane venture out into uncharted territory and thought to themselves - "Hey, I can do that!"  The key word in that previous sentence is 'men'.

Now just hold up there, missy!  Don't get your panties in a bunch over that statement.  I do not mean that there are not brave or intelligent women out there willing to carve their own path.  To think ahead of the curve, if you will.  Nor do I mean that women don't look to those with the courage and forethought  to break new ground and take their own inspiration from that.  Quite the opposite, in fact.  Women seem to be almost psycho-fueled by the achievements of their estrogen enhanced 'brethern' (is there a female version of that word???) and become inspired to charge forward in their own lives.  Women seem to revel in the collective hormones of their society and channel them together in one big energetic mass, ready to conquer the world.  Rather inspiring to a vaginally challenged person as myself, I would say.

The key word in that last sentence is 'inspiring'.  That is what most normal men would say about someone that sets a good example for everyone else.  But women don't use the word 'inspired', or any of it's derivatives.  No, they have their own word for it - EMPOWERED! 

"Yeah, that's right sister!  You take your superior intellect and show those nasty men what a WOMAN can do in a male dominated corporate consumer society!  YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!! Your groundbreaking accomplishments have EMPOWERED me to trudge on!"

Jesus fucking CHRIST I hate that god damned word!  And it's exactly because it is always implies a statement like the one in quotes above.  Women can't just be happy with their accomplishments.  They can't be satisfied with a job well done.  No, it has to be SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much more than that!  Women seem to be under the impression that they are at a disadvantage to the men in their lives.  Every little task in their lives is a competition to see if they can handle it just as well or better than any man.  They have to!  For the GOOD OF ALL WOMAN KIND!!!!111

You know what they say about a man when he feels that everyone around him is 'competition' and that he must outperform them to prove to himself that he is worthy of their admiration?  They call it an inferiority complex! Women can't even leave it at that though.  Once they achieve the point in their careers where they are receiving well deserved promotions above their male counterparts, they become paranoid.  Suddenly all the men they have worked side by side with for all those years are JEALOUS!  That's right.  A woman has become successful, so the entire force of the "Dominant Male Corporate Conspiracy"(tm) must be mobilized to put an end to her career!  All those nasty men spend their coffee breaks and lunch hours plotting to get that awful baby factory out of management and back where she belongs - in the KITCHEN!

Yes, this is what the Oprah generation thinks about the world around them.  Daily life is a struggle just to keep their heads above the raging river of equality.  Women everywhere are crushed under the big male thumb until that one angel can come along and smash barriers for them.  All it takes is one strong willed woman, then the rest of them are 'EMPOWERED' to go smash some barriers of their own, stabbing and kicking their way through all of those testosterone bloated neanderthals who have trapped them in their own personal prison.

Now if any women are still reading this by now, and haven't dismissed it as a male ego trip into the land of women bashing, I would like to enlighten you on what we actually think when a woman reaches that elusive management position. 

WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK!!!!!!!

I've done my job for years.  If you can come in and do it just as well or better than me, congratulations!  Whoop de fucking doo!  Men don't give a shit who it is in the desk beside them, as long as they carry their portion of the load.  We're not interested in holding you back from 'being all that you can be' because, frankly, that's way too much work.  If you do actually encounter a person that is out to get you and sabotage your career, chances are they don't give a shit whether you have tits or not either!  They are just as willing to fuck over any guy that comes in to secure their own position. 

At the end of they day it all comes down to how well you do your job.  Not how well you do it compared to someone else.  If you can complete your work day and walk out of the factory proud that you have made a real accomplishment, then good for you!  How EMPOWERING!

Now collect your paycheck and shut the fuck up about it! Go on about your life like the rest of us.

(or Woman, as it very often is)

Yes, as the title suggests, we are her to pay tribute to the bus driver.  Specifically the school bus driver. 

On this, the last day of the school year, we choose to recognize those hard working dedicated people manning the big (and small) yellow buses that pollute our roadways with awful driving and noisy little bastards screaming and throwing shit out the windows.  We congratulate all of these brave warriors for <i>almost</i> coming to a complete stop before they flip on the red lights and slap out the stop sign.  Yes, it is all those other drivers, who upon seeing the red lights of a school bus come on unexpectedly screech to a grinding halt as you triumphantly glide by them at 10 miles an hour because your <i>precious cargo</i> is still half a block away, who are the idiots. 

We salute the long and tedious hours you studied that driver's handbook to hone your craft.  We all know how hard that can sometimes be, especially when it took you four attempts to get your G.E.D.  We praise your resolve and conviction for (ironically) managing to not get convicted within the last five years.  Alcoholism can be a tough problem to hide.  Trust me, I know. 

We praise your strength and courage in showing love for the children, even in the most trying conditions.  In all my years on this earth, I have NEVER witnessed a bus driver angrily scream at a four year old, smack a child, make crude sexual innuendo to a 12 year old girl or drive away laughing as a kid who was tying his shoe has to get up and run after the bus.  Nope.  Never happens.  <b>EVER!</b>

We marvel in your strong work ethic.  Four hours a day (with an eight hour break in the middle) is an incredibly long time for anyone to have to put in, especially someone with such a gruelling task as you.  Not to mention the skill and dexterity it takes to circle the bus after you start it so you can expertly inspect each and every light on the bus.  I'm sure that if one is malfunctioning that you are the take charge type who fixes it yourself, and doesn't run screaming to the garage whining for a mechanic to 'make it stop doing that'.

Yes, Mister or Missus (excuse me, divorcees now prefer to be called 'Mizzz', I apologize) bus driver.  We salute you and the brave sacrifices you make for us ten months of the year.  I personally am in awe.

Now, I know you all are sitting at home and saying to yourself - "Dave, you fat sack of shit.  It's the end of the school year.  Why choose now to sing the praises of these honorable warriors?"

Let's just say my intentions are all good.  Yes, I am doing this now out of the kindness of my heart.  It definately has nothing to do with any incidents I may or may not have had with a school bus in the past day or two.  No, school bus drivers are a stellar bunch.  I definately was not almost smashed off the road this morning by a fat cunt driving a short bus full of mongoloids, as I quietly sat for a good ten seconds beforehand in my bright red car with my left turn signal on waiting to turn into my place of work.  I did not have to frantically pop my clutch in and lurch my car off the road and out of the path of a hurtelling yellow mass driven by a minimum wage earning former (and future) welfare mother piece of subhuman garbage.  Incidents like that do not happen, as only the cream of the crop are chosen by the gods to operate these monstrosities.  The bus companies do not target uneducated hyper nervous inbreds that have no business even operating a Yugo and throw them behind the weel of an eight thousand pound brick with the most minimal of training. 

And as the school year ends, I wish only the best for our school bus driving friends.  I sincerely hope that the welfare checks that fill in the gaps for the next couple of months are sufficient to feed your seven kids (from four different fathers), and that they and yourself do not starve to death in your hot, swealtering house of squallor.  Kudos and Huzzah to you all!

Now before I leave my pulpit for the day, I would just like to send out a little congratulations to.......  MYSELF!  Yes, I have apparently grown as a person!  I managed to get through this entire rant without mentioning the fact that women should never EVER be able to operate a motor vehicle in the civilized world.

EDIT - Oh FUCK!!

Opinions are like children.  Sure, you may love your own and think they are the greatest in the world, but nobody else gives a shit about them and just wishes you would shut the fuck up about them. 

Over the past couple of years, several news programs around the continent have added a 'live feedback' portion to their broadcasts.  This is usually two to three minutes dedicated to you, Joe Q Retard, where you can express your thoughts on the events of the day.  Sounds like a noble concept, right?  Who better to speak out on the events that affect the population at large then, well, the population at large? 

The problem lies in just who exactly is allowed on the air to express these opinions.  Now I'm not talking about 'left wing - right wing' here.  I mean the ability of the individual to express their thoughts in a clear and concise manner.  Many times when this portion of the newscast comes on, we are 'treated' to some stammering idiot taking an obscene amount of time to blurt out one simple sentence.  Then take into account that what they just said on the air is 'word for word' what they heard on last night's O'Reilly Factor, Hannity and Coombs or (god forbid) The View, and you've just wasted 120 seconds of valuable air time. 

Most good radio programs seem to have a well established system of weeding out these 'fingernails on the chalkboard of broadcast media'.  Sure, every once in a while someone will get through and fumble about to tell some incredibly boring anecdote relating their insignificant life to the topic at hand, but the larger percentage of people who actually make it past the screeners are going to either inform or entertain you in some form or another.  Radio has worked hard to accomplish this over the years because they have to.  Radio does not have the benefit of breathtaking video or snappy graphics to hold your attention.  They can only rely on the voices you hear to keep you tuned in, so the best of them have gotten pretty good at creating an enthralling audio experience. 

Television appears to approach the concept of live viewer interaction as a novelty.  They are under the impression that the simple fact that real people are giving their opinions in real time is enough of a draw to bring in the viewers.  Who knows!  Maybe they are right.  God knows enough idiots are racing to their phones to participate. I, however, want quality from my viewing experience.  Most people are capable of providing at least a listenable (if maybe uninformed) sound bite if they prepare themselves properly.  If you plan on calling 'Talkback Toronto' or whatever midday show just beckons to hear your words of wisdom, write your thoughts down.  Many people get tripped up racing through their muddled minds looking for that eloquent thought that sounded so intelligent right before a distant voice informed them that they were 'on the air'.  Having a list of points to refer to, or even a whole statement written out, instantly makes you seem smarter than 'Big Betty Housewife' and her frantic soccer mom ranting.

Unfortunately print media is not immune to the ill-conceived whining of the unwashed masses.  Recently one of the local papers has added a section we have all come to know and hate - 'Bricks and Bouquets'.  This is the section where spinsters and old maids can write in and voice their displeasure at the true menaces to our society. Teenagers that play their music too loud in their cars.  People that don't smile at the DMV.  That darn weatherman and his cloudy days.  Great.  Just what we needed.  A place where idiots that don't have the inclination to call a TV or radio show can come and make their opinions heard in convenient sound bite fashion.  Hey guys!  I got a brick for ya!  How about a brick upside the fucking head of the IDIOT THAT INVENTED BRICKS AND BOUQUETS!

"Real original thought there, sparky!"

Hey SHUT UP!  I'm used to making fun of wrestlers with terminal diseases and shitty quarterbacks who have the throwing accuracy of a midget with cerebral palsy.  This rant thing is new for me.  But at least I'm not calling a live television show stuttering like a retard to make my stale point.  I choose to make a fool of myself in writing.

So it lasts forever........